Paul’s Bachelor Party: A True Story

Last week, my buddy Paul was outside the mailroom here at work. Dang, you’re movin slow, I said.
Yeah, a buddy had his bachelor party last nite, says Paul.
Did they get any girls there?, I ask.
Yeah, they had all kinds of girls there, he smiled.
Any bad behavior?, I inquired.
Paul said, yeah, they did it all.
Even the guy that was getting married?, I asked.
Of course!, says Paul. It was his party!
I checked to see if he was serious. Of course he was. Now I felt like a big square. Paul went on, it wasn’t too wild though. Last time, my buddy got married, they all had paid for him to “get head.” And you know what? He couldn’t get it up! He was right there in the middle of the room, in front of all of us, an’ he couldn’t even get it up!, Paul laughed and laughed some more.

ETJB was, and still is, speechless.

Help A Guy Out: Vote Excellent (No Charge!)

ETJB amigo and "Outer Burrows" co-creator atrowbri kicks Chattanooga Pulse right below the bible belt here. Give him his props people!

Dang, who knew the brother could write?

The Fighting Parson

Last Saturday, Mrs. ETJB and I walked in the over to return a DVD and to run a few other errands on Connecticut Ave. While walking up the street, I spied a statue in a small, well-kept park. Let’s check him out, I said.

Thousands of people probably pass the Peter Muhlenberg Memorial every week without noticing him. In the rain, we read the short biography, specifically (see bottom):

Peter Muhlenberg Memorial
Connecticut Ave at 36th and Ellicott Sts., NW
Sculptor: Caroline Muhlenberg Hufford, Architect: John F. Harbeson

Public Resolution No.30, approved May 2.1928, authorized the memorial to the eminent statesman, clergyman, and soldier of the Revolutionary War era. John Peter Gabriel Muhlenberg fought in many major battles of the American Revolution and retired from the Army as a General. He had been a pastor when the war began, serving both Lutheran and Episcopal congregations. When he decided to become a soldier, he told his parishioners: "in the language of Holy Writ there is a time for all things... there is a time to pray and a time to fight... and that time has now come." Three hundred men from his congregations joined the Army.

The memorial consists of a bronze bust on a limestone pedestal located in a plaza surrounded by a low wall on which are bronze plaques highlighting the three phases of his career: soldier, clergyman and statesman. The memorial was constructed with private funds for $59,430, and dedicated on October 26, 1980.

No special reason to go out of your way to check him out, but if you find yourself on upper Connecticut, look for him. A statue is a powerful way to be remembered.

Methinks This is Funny

Ronnie promoting vegetarianism.

Credit: dcist.com.

Beach Terror: A True Story

This past Sunday, the lovely Mrs. ETJB and I drove to the beach for the day. We like to do this several times each summer. Get up early for a little relaxing, a little swimming, a little Sunday Post, and a lot of sun. After a couple of hours, we make it a point to walk up the boardwalk for a round of beach food. Sometimes we go for Pizza Grotto, or fried chicken, or hot dogs, or gyros, or subs. Whatever the beach food combination, it generally includes some fresh boardwalk beach fries. Then back to the campsite for more relaxing, this time with the assistance of a food coma. This Sunday was like most others. Sufficiently cooked after a few more hours after lunch, we packed up and headed back to the Honda and back to DC.

Usually on the way home, we stop at one of the many farmers markets along the hiway. We were partial to Elmer's, but now it’s called Ma and Pa’s. This time, we got us some fresh ‘maters, green beans, corns, and peaches.

Here’s the reason for this story: while I was at the market, I remembered a few year’s back we had stopped there after a similar day of beaching. It was at least 100 degrees that day. Anyway, your humble narrator had to go to the bathroom. A number 2.

Next to the market, I entered the portajohn. As you might imagine, it was at least 140 degrees inside. Unfortunately, it had been some time since the last cleaning, or, uh, dumping. The fluidy mass was almost up to the edge of the seat. The fumes were heavy and putrid.

But when you gotta go…. I hovered and waited and splatted on the poo-mound of the same only a few inches below. Just then, someone outside was working the door latch. I cleared my throat and the outside activity stopped. I figured the person would simply walk away and come back later, and I finished up.

When I opened the door, what must have been a wall of funk smell (not all from me, mind you), rushed out immediately like a vacuum. By the looks of the sickened faces of the 5 beachgoing teenyboppers waiting in line outside, I had just opened Satan’s trap door from hell. I sheepishly acknowledged the smell and the temperature with a nod and a look to the ground. The girls were digusted.

How can one person crap so much?, one asked. You filled up the entire portajohn!, exclaimed another. Dude, lay of the corn dogs, suggested another. It wasn’t me, I muttered to my feet.

I found the soon to be Mrs. ETJB in the flower section sniffing fresh cut bunches. Aren't they beautiful, she remarked. Just SMELL them! C’mon, let’s get outta here, I said. What’s that in your hair, she asked. Have you been dumpster diving again?

DC Biking

I'm not sure if it's from reading my friend Gwadzilla or from seeing a recent Charlie Rose interview with Lance, but I've been riding the old Kona more this summer. I'm looking forward to a stress releasing city ride this p.m. after work.

A Taste of DC

For you readers who fantasize about living in DC, here's a funny story for you.

O but I was so much older then...

...I'm younger than that no-ow (apologies to Bob Dylan).

Younger Voters Rapidly Deserting Bush

The last time Bush and Kerry were tied among the under-30 crowd was in April. In the five surveys since then, Bush has trailed Kerry by an average of 18 percentage points.

Virtually every other major poll conducted in the past month confirms Kerry's popularity with voters under the age of 30.

One surprise: The campaign against terrorism is less of a voting issue for younger voters than for the rest of the country. In the most recent Post-ABC poll, 9 percent of all 18-to-29-year-olds rated it as their top voting concern, compared with 20 percent of all voters.

If the election were held today...

85% of the American population would be really surprised.

That's my stat. But this chart, makes ETJB feel good. Is Tennessee really in play? Is Pennsylvania really so solid Kerry? dunno.

We're going to Michigan tomorrow, then Denver, then Phlly. Reports to follow.