Taking One For The Team?

Firstly, this story reads like poetry to me.

So, I am happy today.

Here’s the problem. Washington played these same Packers next week here in our stadium.

As has been well documented: For Kerry to win, the Redskins have to lose next week to the Packers.

Maybe they’ll tie? Jeez, right now, it’s even. Nah, the line isn't posted yet. I can't imagine the Redskins being favored.

Reunion Awards Ideas: An Exclusive ETJB Contest

I’ll be accompanying Mrs. ETJB at her 10 year high school reunion this Thanksgiving. The class President sent her an e-mail that included:

Oh and all you creative cats out there, let me know if you have ideas for awards like "traveled most", "most kids" etc and gag prizes could be given.

I’ve come up with some that I hope she will forward:
--Squarest ass male/female
--Most divorces/failed relationships
--Most desperate single male/female
--Still a slut award male/female
--Most jobs since high school
--Still living at home award
--Still wearing the same wardrobe award male/female
--Biggest bitch/bastard that peaked in high school and is now a total loser

Any readers have suggestions before I submit these?

Mas Jon Stewart

Read.

Full Political Disclosure

A buddy of mine from college wrote an note of encouragement. Well, he's more than a buddy. And the encouragement was an acknowledgment of "crapping his pants like a stinky doogan" and "snarfing his Jamison's" after reading my prose. Ah well. The ETJB can spin a yarn. Just wait until I release the good stuff. Keep checking. Thanks for the support. Now go wipe up.

Anyways, to the full disclosure: it is no mystery that I am voting for Kerry. No, he's not my favorite politician and he's not my first choice and he's a little awkward and goofy and his wife sure is weird and all that. But he's not Bush. And, no, I'm not a Bush-hater, although I still think he's a liteweight whose daddy raised a lot of money for him, an accidental preznit, at best. I'm voting for the change.

Now, will Kerry be LBJ and have to prove his manhood by unleashing the military to shush his critics? Prolly. It's all screwed up that way. But, I'm voting for the socially liberal, tolerant one. Not the bully and hater and the bullies and haters that chearlead for him and his party. It's Kerry for me, not that my vote in DC means a whole lot.

So where is the limited gov't libertarian, socially liberal, strong on defense (read: DE-fense, NOT adventuring), non-corporate whore candidate? Maybe in my lifetime....

One thing is for sure: I'll be glad when this dam thing is overwith.

More more more more Downloads!

From brother atrowbri: Yah!

And you prolly already seen Jon Stewart hand Tucker Carlson his own (bow-tied) ass by now...

Happy Monday

Yay! Redskins win! Cowboys lose! And they lose in a heartbreaking way! Bonus! All those Cowgirl fans had to watch the entire game, to the last second, to watch their team lose! Super Bonus!

I spose a good man would tell Lawrence about that whole booger thing.... Nah! Keep the edge, right?

Friday Downloads

A coupla good downloads for you.

From reader EL, please check out the song here. She adds:

The Music Row Democrats, which I’m a proud member of, have put this together and it’s great!  The MRD are a very active group of songwriters, musicians and supporters that have teamed together and are making quite a stir in Nashville.  Hopefully the song will get a lot of airtime on the stations.

And from our friend Gwadzilla, check out this cartoon. Enjoy both and spread the word.

Friday Reading

Shoot. You're not doing anything anyway. Get your coffee. Print out this article. It's a good read. Like a horrorshow script. It made me sick as I read it. We gotta get these crooks out of office. (tip TPM)

Report From The Field

Optimistic report from EL in Tennessee:

So (we) went downtown (N-ville) last night to Michael Moore's Tennessee stop on his Slacker Uprising Tour. I was a little anxious to see what the crowd, if any, may look like. Along with the pink-haired obvious green party guys and gals, there were almost 15,000 mad as hell Southern Democrats that are sick of W's sh*t. It was awe-inspiring and another piece of evidence that the pendulum that's been over to the right for so long is swinging our way.

O man. All 15,000 of you are brave souls. Keep the faith, peoples.

2nd Preznit Debate

So we watched it. I wanted to see if Bush was going to try and cheat again. (thanks to reader TB for the tip)

Some clarifyers for debate 2:

When Bush says: "Internets" I think he really means "Information Superhiways."

When Bush talks about: "Clean Burnin Coal," I think he's making a metaphor like "Pork: The Other White Meat."

When Bush says: "Create More Habitats," I'm not sure what he means.

When Bush talks about: being kind to the environment by banning "Off Road Diesles," I don't know what he is talking about. Must be banning some ATVs on rich party boys' ranch or something. Please e-mail me WTF this is, people.

When Bush talks about "Proposin Hydrogen Cars," I simply think he's full of it. On so many levels.

I think that Bush is good for about 30 minutes, then he needs new material and should be taken off the stage with a hook.

I think that during debates, he a whiner. And he looks more and more like a chimp.

---

Regarding the VP debate: I think that Dick "HEY YOU KIDS GET OFF MY LAWN" Cheney probably won by a little. Only because he stopped the bleeding for Bush for a minute. And cause he's so scary. And Edwards looks so dam young.

Readers Respond!

Faithful reader DW, all the way from Tennessee, has some stellar advice for the ETJB:

a few suggestions for how to handle your cowboy friends:
(all learned from karl rove, bush & co.)
 
1.  claim the cowboys are filp-floppers.  1st they have emmitt smith, then they have eddie george.  1st parcells wants to be a coach then he wants to retire, then a coach, then retire... 1st they want qunicy carter for quarterback, then vinni testaverdi....
 
2.  make up stories about jerry jones.  claim he has voted multiple times at the owners meeting  for a luxury tax that will cripple the league.  Claim he wants to reform revenue sharing that will hurt the other owners.  Make up a slogan like "you can't make the bad teams good by making the good teams bad".  it doesn't matter if any of it is true or even if it makes sense, just keep on making outrageous claims until the cowboy fan goes away.
 
3.  when one of the guys comes into your office, reprimand him  for constantly not showing up to work on important days or for constantly being late.  then claim that this is the first time that you have ever even met him.
 
4.  Next monday go into work and put up a big banner that claims "Mission Accomplished; the redskins just won the super bowl".  Hire the redskins cheerleaders to come in with you. throw a big party and dress up in a full redskins uniform - pads and everything.  never mind that the skins have just won one game or that the season isn't even close to being over.  Just keep telling everyone that the skins are super bowl champs - that everything is great at redskins camp!
 
5. Just tell the guy to "go f*ck yourself!"

Fortunately though, Lawrence is a true blue Democrat. He even told me that he got 7 people registered to vote. As an ex-Marine, it sickens him to see how Rove/Bush and Company have used the military.

And this is half of the reason that I, the ETJB, am also a Democrat. I am an underdog. I fight for underdogs. And as an underdog, I hate bullies. So yeah, I'm pretty glad what when the sh*t goes down, all the brothers are on our team. Including the Cowboy fans.

The other half of the reason that I am a Democrat is that those right wing, christian weirdos freak me out.

Break Glass In Case of Emergency

I don’t recommend using this one, but crap. Sometimes when you get in a fight, you gotta pull hair and bite. Sorry.

If you know the ETJB, you know that I like the Redskins. And if you know the Redskins, you also know that these past few years have been, well, rather lean. OK, they’ve been sucking, and this year looks like it’s in the toilet. I’m not saying that I’ve flushed yet, but my middle finger is on the handle, poised. And I’ve already wiped. Also, if you are a Redskin fan, you too know that these lean years are especially tough when the Cowboys are winning.

So here at work, there are three guys in the mailroom, all much bigger and louder that me, and all Cowboy fans. Never mind the fact that not one of them has ever set foot in the entire state of Texas. Never mind the fact that they live in DC. They are all Cowboy fans. Go figure. (Cowboy fans are like all these dam Yankee fans, I suppose. They are EVERYWHERE.)

So this Monday morning is like most Monday mornings recently: Redskins lose. Cowboys don’t. Except I am ready this week.

One of these guys—the one that’s bigger than all the rest (6’ 4”, 300 lbs, ex-Marine)—especially gets under my skin. We’ll call him Lawrence. So sure enough, right after lunch, I come in my office, turn around, and he’s right there. He’s starts saying something, lecturing me about, “Your Guys,” when I sour my face: “Dude, what’s that?” I say emphatically. “Dude, you got a boog.” I thumb my nose and reach in my side drawer to hand him a paper towel. Lawrence stands there and begins to blow and pick his nose. Then he starts up with his prepared speech, “Your guys need to learn how to...”
“Dude,” I interrupt. “Don’t do that in here.” I shield my eyes. “Don’t even talk to me until you clean that BIG BOOGER of your face!” There are a couple of women outside my office within earshot. He takes off.

When he comes back, I’m on the phone. Can’t really talk sports when I’m on the phone, huh?

Later, I’m downstairs, and I see him. He starts up again, “They had to fumigate the stadium…”
“How long were you walking around with that on your nose, Lawrence?” I ask.
“I don’t know...I had sneezed earlier” he laughed.
“Dang,” I shake my head. “That thing was big, like it had a pulse!” I say, walking away. I hear him laugh it off.

Look, I know it’s not fair, and not ethical for me to make stuff up. But it’s all I got right now. OK?

Oh and if anybody out there has a plan for me next Monday morning, please let me know.

CONstar and DC Customer Service

So SS is moving out of his Capitol Hill apartment. I went over to his house yesterday to help him sort things out, box stuff, move crap, and throw junk away. SS is one of those types that unloads change in various containers around his place when he gets back from the store. So after 8 years, you can imagine the various containers overflowing and the weight of them. Heck, there was half a pound of pocket fuzz alone.

During half time of the latest Redskin “show,” we ventured to the Un-Safeway to utilize their Coinstar. For those unfamiliar, Coinstar is a coin sorter that takes 8.9 cents on the dollar for the service.

We were greeted by 4 excited youths who were full of questions like, “ Where y’all get all that money” and “How long it take y’all to get all that money” and, of course, “Can I get some of that money.” Of course the Coinstar is located right by the front door so that everyone else can witness this spectacle as they enter.

Anyway, after passing the TWO HUNDRED AND FIFTY DOLLAR mark, the machine jams. The message reads: CONTACT CUSTOMER SERVICE. SS waits in line, then finally an Un-Safeway employee shuffles over, obviously not too concerned about catching the third quarter. She silently opens up the machine and hands the sorting tray to SS. “You hate this machine,” offers SS. SILENCE. She has five inch, air brushed, curled fingernails and was carefully using them to pick coins out of the machinery. “I like your nails,” SS tries again. That got a soft “Thank you.” SS saw his opening: ‘This machine jams up a lot?” She turns her head, “ SEVERAL times a day.” SS takes this opportunity to hand her a five “Thanks for your help!” Her mood and speed improve slightly. Her Freddie Kruger’s are still delicately picking out nickels, dimes, pennies, quarters, from the holes. Next to her is a debris trap with lint, pieces of can tabs, 2 thumbtacks a bolt, human skin flakes, and several other fragments of hardened DNA. She leaves silently and returns with a pressurized air can and a brush. Finally, she locks up the machine. We continue with the transaction.

I was happy to witness SS receiving $287.53 from the clerk. Combined with his used book sales totals of $25, SS should be taking his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant this weekend. Way to go! THE END.

UPDATE: Coinstar must bring out the best in people. An avid ETJB reader all the way from Colorado has his own Coinstar story:

Was in line paying for my food when a rather interesting man (in a crackhead sort of way) came into the store with three triple plastic grocery bags full of change. Must have been 40lbs. of change. So he sets these bags on the floor and proceeds to start feeding in the change. About two minutes go by and a woman, dresses in a robe, slippers and a hair net and the same "interesting" look as the man, proceeds to start yelling at full volume, "that's my f-ing change (n-word), you can't have my f-ing change (n-word)" and starts pulling at the bags. Barney Fife the grocery cop comes over to see what is the matter and just as he arrives, the woman pulls the bag away form the man and about 15lbs. of change goes flying all over the grocery store. The man yells "see what you did you dumb bitch." Mothers are now hurrying their young children out of the store. The rent a cop is freaking because he never had crazy crackhead training when he was at the grocery cop academy. At this point my, Fritos and bean dip are bagged and I left.

Mexed Missages

Yeah, I watched our Preznit stumble thru the debate last nite. Anyone that thinks Bush won, must also beleive Fox News is real, professional wrassling is real, and the Easter Bunny is real.

I think Bush looked agitated, flustrated, and silly. But then again, I don't trust the fool.

I'll be watching the polls this weekend. Key states (one's that Gore won): Iowa, Minn, Wisc. This thing ain't over just yet.

Maybe so...

You are the Sun card. The light of the Sun reveals
all. The Sun is joyful and bright, without fear
or reservation. The childish nature of the Sun
allows you to play and feel free. Exploration
can truly take place in the light of day when
nothing is hidden. The Sun's rays fill you with
energy so that you may live life to its
fullest, milking pleasure out of each day. Such
joy and energy can bring wealth and physical
pleasure. To shine in the light of day is to
have confidence, to soak up its rays is to feel
the freedom of a child. Image from: Stevee
Postman. http://www.stevee.com/


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